i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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