I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
