dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
