clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
