You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
