i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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