I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
