I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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