plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
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Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
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I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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