My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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