Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
