dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
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John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
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Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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