I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sext me about skeletons
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
try to milk me bitch
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
