I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
