put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
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Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
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Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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