I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
