It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
