I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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