Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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