he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
