I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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