New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
