I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
