And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
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Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
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I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
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