I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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