Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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