I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
