Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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