I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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