it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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