I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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