I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I met the friendliest cop last night
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
