My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
