Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
