My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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