Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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