apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
As shirtless as possible
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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