Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Randomize
