So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
