my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
