OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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