if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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