Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
