you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
