then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
