I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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