My hand turned me down
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
