I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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