I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
