Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
