Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
