when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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