my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
