its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
