She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
