Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
40s are totally the cure
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
