I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
