He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
